hi.. haha
i neglect writing in here so much anymore, shits been.. well its just been.
I spend a lot of my time, smoking pot in my closet by myself, listening to
bright eyes, owl city, cobra starship, scary kids scaring kids, and blink 182.
i havent really been through a lot, but i feel like i have.
schools going.. well its also just going as well.
i dont know, everyone goes through this stage in their life, but i'm one of those people
who have no idea what to do with it, and i know im not alone, but i most certainly feel like it.
i talk to people all day about how lonely and alone i am, but.. im talking to people?
why arent i talking about anything else?
what im trying to say is i think im stuck.
and im stuck at that point where all your good friends feel like strangers.
you're growing up and not knowing where you're going, but you do.. and youre anxious and scared.
its all percented into different tings.
its a really large circle of percentages for me, i'd have to say.
I just  sort of feel like no one cares, im sad.. i need somone.
i havent felt compassion from anyone since my friends funeral.
and thatwasnt even compassion for me, it was for anth<3
and i miss him alot to... but i dont wanna talk about that yet
because ill need  a box of tissues and wont ever finish this entry.
I just want somone to call mine, my little niggercake and twatmuffin.
i want somone wierd, like me, who will hangout and smoke pot in my closet and lay in my bed with me.
all of my "friends"(that i dont have, but i really do.) are dating, and they never ever complain.
they are always happy, and even when they are'n't theyre not talking to me about it.
theyr screaming at their significant other.
i really dnt want that, but its the only option i have right now in this valley i live in.
it's so dull, and now that im moving into the country..ON valentines day (haha, how depressing is THAT)
i'll have less and less friends, and be hanging out in a graveyard and my eight roomed DAD basement i have.
and i guess i just want a boy, who i can laugh with and tickle and not have to suck his dick, and just be me with.
i have my standards set still, and they're not going down.
But, they're not t h a t hard to meet, but i guess in a town like this they are.
life is getting to the point where me as just me... (and i mean me being no one else in the world but myself
and in my head, and my thoughts that no one could ever feel the exact same about but me.)
cant handle them alone.
i dont need somone to do all those things,
i just need somone to give me some s o u l.
a little bit of heart, never hurt anyone...besides temporarily.
i got ready for the day today, because its saturday.
my hair and my makeup looked nice, but no one contacted me besides dickypoo.
i was cutting my gramahs hair when he called so i told him to come at 4:30
.. its six, and he hasnt called or replied to my texts.
thats no suprise there.
im just super sick of being fucked over or not cared enough about by the people i put first.
i'snt there somthing wrong with that?
you probably think my life is rather average, but i refuse to think so.
i also never cared what anyone thought, so.. fuck you.
hahaha like anyone is going to read this anyway.
QAUCKSICKTITSFUCKCLIT.
HOLY BALLS!
my eyeball itches and i cant itch it.
makeup sucks, i dont know why i started wearing it again.

im sad,
to full of thought.
tried to write a good/great entry, and failed (MISERABLY, POSSIBLY BECAUSE I  USED PARANTHESIS 3 TIMES NOW)
(that being three, this being four..haha)

andddd i just.
i need somone to talk to.
i miss talking to somone who cares
its been a great while since i have.
and everythings just trapped inside me
and im startin to over flow


please and thanks wherever you are,
i really need ya.

<3 love,di.

I cant believe im a senior this year.
highschool has passed so fast, and its still going by so quickly.
I've made a lot of friends, and i;ve made a lot of enemies.
i've got rid of so many countless friends i loved with my entire heart over the past year and a half.
A really good friend, told me not that long ago that i talk about myself to much, and i say i almost over a million times in one conversation.
I guess my communication skills are acceptional, just not accurate.
Which in my book, is fine haha but apparently to others its somtimes a threat,
as if they can't get their two cents in, in a conversation with me.
I didnt think i was like that, and then i realized that i do say i 300 times in a paragraph, and have nothing else to talk about
Im selfish, and i lke things to go my way. always whining and complaining and laughing and crying,
being angry and saying im going to kick somones ass. haha
its really not my plan, i just say whats on my mind whenever i feel like it, when im around anyone i feel the need to.
Now its not all the time i do this, but.. its most of the time. and i try to control it, but as you can see its not working (count how many times ive said i, haha its pretty bad)
But all in all, i think that its an OK thing for me to be the way i am,
My mother tells me that im good at getting my way, and very witty with persuading people to do what i want them to.
and somtimes i do, but i dont do anything intentionally to hurt anyone, as far as they're concerened.
Whats so wrong with wanting to make yourself happy, isnt that what lifes about?
living it to the fullest, and trying to squeeze in every ounce of imagination, words, feelings, actions, beliefs as you can before your time is up.
whatever that means.
with one year left before college, i think i've had way over my fill of all of those things.
changing and swaying back and forth from one to the other, never knowing exactly what i want, or need.
but being as satisfied as i can with whatever i get, and try to make the good in the bad shine over what could go wrong.
In that sense i do believe i've matured, but im pretty sure that ive been able to do such things since i was younger, too.
Being a senior in highschool, is a scary step, but as soon as its over. ill realize its just a stage, a very small one, In life that i have passed succesfully, and then college comes.
which is also such a small stage in life, so young and so full of everything i could ever dream of.
Yet somtimes i feel older than the sand on the beaches.
it doesnt make much sense, for a seventeen year old girl to contemplate the world, and figure it out in just seventeen years.
I dont believe i've figured out the way the world really works, because i think its all up to you and what you think its here for.
its your own imagination, you imagine what you want, and then you become what you need to be in life to fullfill your own true goals.
and whatever my goals are, as i walk this earth, they may be small
they may be too large for me to handle, which most are. they may be over exxagerated, and rediculously over thought.
but they will still be my hopes and dreams that i choose to, or not to succeed in.
and i believe that i will.

the first day, of my last year of highschool.
Its on one week, and i couldnt be more scared.
....but secretly, i couldn't be more excited. 




                                                        
                                                        
I took my seat and stared
at the cardboard screen while no one cared
while the lights stayed on
the familiar buzz was now long gone
i just waited there
as the music soared into the air
as the lights went down
she said don't open your eyes

at tempo 119
they took to the crowd and aimed towards me
as the circle closed
i held onto the one with splintered clothes
twenty years before
she said don't open your eyes and you can swim
all my friends ignored
she said don't open your eyes

don’t open your eyes
and said goodnight
don't open your eyes
and said goodnight

i couldn't end it there
as her wooden bones grew through her skin
crumbled naturally
as her limbs and leaves had broken free
twenty years before
she said don't open your eyes and you can swim
wanted nothing more
she said don't open your eyes

don’t open your eyes
and said goodnight
don't open your eyes
and said goodnight